she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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