He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Randomize
