True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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