How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Randomize
