one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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