I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
