hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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