I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
