ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
i already hear my dad disowning me
I think my fart just growled at me.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
