Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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