There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
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There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
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And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Couch. On fire.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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