oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
