I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
