a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
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I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
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My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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