I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Randomize
