In the future we'll all be gay
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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