you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
