May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I can't turn off my feet"
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
