she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
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