Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
