Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
