and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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