Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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