just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
