I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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