I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
