i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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