She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
