saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
