I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
