Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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