Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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