Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
