do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
These tits shall not be calmed
Randomize
