Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
