i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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