Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Less talking, more tequila
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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