Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
