I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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