im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Randomize
