And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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