Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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