the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
