I heard we made out
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
