hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
