a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Sponge bath it is.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
