what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
