I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
