I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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