I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
