my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
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