i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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