After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
