yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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