the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
