he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
