They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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