if i can run in heels then i can drive
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
